August 28, 2010 at 1:07 am · Filed under Uncategorized
I forgot it was Friday and just about forgot it was my time to post! Bad me!! I didn’t though, so we are good. This is my 2nd assigned post at Daydreamz MB. I posted about my pets, but that was because I liked the theme. I actually really like this theme as well, considering that I did vote for it.
I have a lot to look forward to. Number one thing to look forward to: a JOB! I have been looking for an animal job for about 2 years now. Granted I did go back to school to get my Bachelor’s Degree, but that was all in meaning to find a job. I have been extremely active in looking for a job lately. I have sent out a lot of resumes, but always get ousted of the position. The field I am in is so competitive that it’s extremely hard to find a job. I don’t have any paid experience except for PetCo, and that didn’t last too long. So, if I could find a job within a reasonable distance of my home town, I would be ecstatic! I would love all my hard work and education to pay off at some point.
Going along with getting a job, I want to be able to settle down somewhere and sell this house. I have been slowly collecting stuff for my new place. This house is where I grew up and it’s in a disheveled state. The floors are torn up, the furniture is crap. I want out. I am waiting to find a job to do this, but it is something that I am looking forward to. I just want to move and have my own place that I can decorate and do what I want.
Another thing that is so cliche’ is that I want to get married. Yes, I know. The girl who said “I never want to get married or have kids” for years has changed her mind. I think it has a lot to do with Erik, and some to do with my mom. I want to marry Erik and eventually have kids with him. I love him more than you could imagine, and the fact that he has been able to change my mind about this kind of stuff (not trying mind you) is crazy. I have been living with him for just about a year and I am not sick of him yet. It’s an accomplishment. I was always scared that I would never be able to find a guy that I could tolerate for more than 2 weeks. Maybe that’s why I said I never wanted to get married. I guess I never thought that I would find the right guy, but I’m pretty sure I did.. and now I’m excited to see what the future holds. We both want kids..
I am also looking forward to losing weight. I have lost about 20 pounds since I went into training 3 weeks ago, and I can’t wait to continue to lose. I have been doing really good on my diet, and hoping this positive loss will continue. This is something I have wanted to do for a long time. With my mom dying I never really tried, but now I am determined.. and I want to do it!
I guess I have a lot to look forward to, I just wish more of it was up to me. Seems like the only thing I have control of is my weight loss. I can’t make someone hire me, and I can’t make Erik propose. I won’t move until I have a place to go. Darn it future, hurry up! I know my mom is helping the best she can!
August 24, 2010 at 1:40 am · Filed under Uncategorized
Last week on the WeBlogIt Challenge at Daydreamz MB there was a theme that I knew I wanted to post about whether I was signed up to blog or not. Pets. Anyone who knows me knows I am all about animals. Hell, my career is animal training. I have had so many pets over the years. When I was little I was only allowed to have small animals (hamsters, gerbils, fish) and cats. We had so many cats. We always wanted a dog but my mom always said “no” because she said they were gross and smelly. Finally, when I was 11, we convinced my mom to get a dog.
We decided on a Shetland Sheepdog. We got her from a breeder and named her Chloe’. She was absolutely gorgeous. She was a great first dog. She did bark a lot, but she was a herding dog, so it was nature. She was also a star soccer player. She even got lose at one of my brother’s soccer games and just about scored a goal.
Soon after adopting Chloe’, my mom and sister decided to adopt another dog. This time it was a Silky Terrier. We named him Tobie and he was immediately part of the family. He was so much lazier than Chloe’. Chloe’ wanted to run around and bark all the time, but Tobie was perfectly content with laying around and sleeping all day. 
.
Only two years after that we adopted Jay Brady. Another Silky Terrier, and Tobie’s little brother. They look completely different, but are both adorable in their own way. Jay Brady was named after my mom’s best friend that had passed away earlier that year. He was different from Tobie in personality as well. He was (and still is) extremely territorial and clings to one or two people. He will protect these people, and his turf, with his life. There have been many fights and bites, and lots of injuries due to Jay and his anger issues. Luckily, that has been solved. Here is a picture of Tobie and Jay Brady. Tobie is in front, and Jay Brady is in back. 
. After my mom died, Tobie went to live with my brother and is incredibly happy.
In 2005, Chloe’ was diagnosed with Lymphoma, or cancer of the lymph nodes. We tried chemo-therapy which only prolonged her life about 18 months. She passed away quietly, in her sleep, on January 2, 2006. We were devastated, but it was the best thing for her. We had actually planned on putting her down since her health was deteriorating so quickly, but she made the decision for us.
Later in 2006 we went to the local pet shop to look at a puppy my gram was dying for. While there I saw an adorable Cairn Terrier that I ended up adopting. Rufus has become the absolute love of my life. He has traveled with me everywhere. He went with my to California and Connecticut, and back to NY. He has driven cross country, and been on a plane more than once. He is everything to me. When was feeling down and out in CA, he would always been there to cheer me up. He has been everything to me. He is among the most important things in my life. I really don’t know what I would do without him. He is my first dog that wasn’t a family dog. I take care of him, and he is my baby. Nothing could ever replace Rufus. 
. This is Rufus and I on the day I adopted him!
On top of all my dogs, I also have a cat named Grayson. I adopted him in 2005 from an animal shelter in CA. He was given a clean bill of health, but ended up having feline distemper. He was given a 20% chance to live, but I took it, and he is still around today. He is the smartest and dumbest cat you will ever meet. I am convinced that he thinks he is a dog. He will lick your face, jump on your car when you pull in the driveway, and follow you when you take the dogs for walks. He is often walking behind us when I have the dogs on any type of outing. He is the most hilarious cat ever. 
I also have a bird. I have a goffin cockatoo named Pancake Dudley (Pancake if he is a girl, Dudley if he is a boy). We mostly call him Lirdie though. He can talk, scream, and is extremely messy. He can call the dogs, tell them to shut up, and make all kinds of adorable or annoying sounds! 
That is all my current animals. Two dogs, a cat, and a bird. I love them all. I could go on and on about all the animals I have had, but I decided to stick with the animals living with me now.
August 22, 2010 at 5:51 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Almost 3 weeks ago I got a response from Miami Seaquarium inviting me to their swim test. They had one position open for their training department and I applied. I didn’t expect to get an invitation, but I did. I was surprised and scared because their swim test is really hard. It’s 300 feet freestyle swim (which is really the front crawl), 130 feet breath hold underwater, surface dive to get two different objects at the bottom of the pool 20-30 feet apart, and 15 push ups. I knew from the moment I got the email that I probably wouldn’t be able to do the test, but I decided to take the two weeks I had until the test and whip my ass into the best shape I could get in. I signed up for a week trial at a gym with a pool and was there EVERYDAY (minus the Friday and Saturday before the test). I ran or did my elliptical everyday, and did weight training everyday. I lost a good amount of weight and felt better about myself. The Friday before we left for Miami (we left on Sunday), I woke up with a sinus infection and a fever. I knew I had been pushing myself way too hard. I still did my running and my weight training, but I was unable to get to the pool. Anyway, my sister and I arrived in Miami Sunday afternoon and we were terrified. We are from Upstate NY and a huge city like Miami is a shock. I love my rural NY and want to live in a place where I could have some space.. for my dogs and my boyfriend. Erik would hate living there. I took that into mind and still took the test. There were 12 of us. I REALLY wanted to give up during the 300 feet freestyle swim, but I didn’t. I finished it. I couldn’t make it past the 130 feet underwater though. It’s very far. A regular Olympic pool is 75 feet long, so it’s almost there and back underwater. I wasn’t the only one that failed though. Only 3 people passed, so I felt better. I feel great that I went. I don’t think it’s the right place for me, so I will keep looking. I am glad I went and tried. I would have never known about Miami or the Seaquarium test if I didn’t go.
Other than that, I decided to pursue my weight loss seriously. I have been trying here and there trying to lose weight, but it hasn’t been working. It’s been a hard year with my mom passing away, and my being lazy and inactive. I have put on a good amount of weight and am at the heaviest I have ever been at. I decided to go to a weight loss specialist because I think I need some help. They did a buttload of tests and put me on a protein shake diet. I am to drink a shake for breakfast and a shake for lunch, and then a low calorie dinner. It’s hard, but I am serious about losing the weight. The nice thing is that I can eat as much salad (lettuce and celery) as I want. I have been using that to my advantage. Starting tomorrow I am going to start exercising again. I really want to be healthy and happy about myself. It’s important. I am not happy with myself right now. Plus, I want to be ready for any future swim tests! Wish me luck. I’m sure it will be a little difficult!
August 11, 2010 at 4:52 am · Filed under Uncategorized
I have not blogged in a long time. Things have gotten busy around here, and my mind and life has been occupied with other things. I did recently sign up for the We Blog It Challenge over at the Daydreamz Message Board. Today is MY day, so here it is. The theme this week is “Things You Hide”. It’s an incredibly interesting topic, and I had to do some thinking about what I do in fact hide from others.. or even myself.
I think that the thing I hide the most as of late is my feelings about my mother’s death. When someone you love is gone, the feeling is overwhelming. Knowing that I was only 24 years old and without a mom for the rest of my life was a hard concept to grasp. Hell, I still have problems dealing with it. I am 25 years old, and I do not have a mother. Things may have been different if my mom had died earlier in my life, but she didn’t. Do not get me wrong, I am thankful for the time I had with her, but I wanted more. A lot more. People are always asking me “how are you doing”, meaning.. dealing with my mom being gone. I always say “ok” or “fine”, but it’s a lie. I even lie to Erik. I am devastated, beyond words, and just pissed. My mom shouldn’t have had to suffer, and neither should the people that love her. I can’t fathom that my mom won’t be around for my wedding, my kids, or even to see me get a job. I often listen to the voice mail she left me over two years ago on my 23rd birthday. It makes me cry every time. I don’t want people to know that I am this upset. I imagine that people assume that I am messed up because of her death, but I hide that fact as much as I can. When I get upset, everything points back to my mom. I lost my best friend, my counselor, my mentor, my mother. Losing her was the hardest thing I have ever experienced, and I try and act as normal as I can. I don’t want pity. I miss her so much, but I have to get on with life.
The weight issue seems to be a popular issue in this topic. I know it’s true in my case too. I have NEVER been comfortable with my weight, and have always been a little over weight. It runs in the family, and I have always struggled with it. This remains true as this year I have let myself go completely. I have gained over 30 pounds, and am at the heaviest I have ever been. I know that a lot of it is due to my laziness, and my depression dealing with the loss of my mom. As with many people, I eat when I am bored, or when I am sad. I have experienced both of those feelings quite a bit, so I have been eating quite a bit. With no exercise or activity the weight has been packed on, and I have gotten larger. All my fitted clothes don’t fit, and I wear the same couple of pants every day. I have to wear pants with stretchy waist bands. I try to hide it to the best of my ability. To be honest, I think I have been in denial about my weight as well. So, I am trying to hide it from myself. I don’t have a full length mirror, and I don’t go out of my way to see how I look. Now that I have, I am upset with how I look. I am doing my best to change how I look, but it isn’t easy. I will probably always feel this way, and I will always hide how I look.
Those two things are the biggest issues that I hide in my life. I am sure there are other things that I hide, but these are the two issues that are constantly on my mind. I know that hiding these things may not be healthy, but until things change, I will continue to hide them from myself and others. So, what do you hide?
July 25, 2010 at 4:22 am · Filed under Uncategorized
I don’t know if I ever mentioned that I recently had an interview at a vet hospital. It was between 30-45 minutes away, but if you know anything about me at this moment, it’s that I want a job. Anyway, after an initial interview I was called back to do a 4 hour trial in the office. I went, did what I could, asked a lot of questions, and thought I did fine. I was informed that I would be contacted within a week. As you can already guess, I was never contacted. No call, no email. I was a little irritated so I gave them a call instead. The office manager would NOT take my call, or call me back. Can you say unprofessional? I don’t really care that I didn’t get the job since it was out of the way for me, but to not inform me of anything and then not take my call? Wow. You have no professionalism, and no common courtesy. I have a tiny feeling I know why I didn’t get the job, but I don’t really want to speculate as it could get me into trouble down the line. Let’s just say that no one in that hospital was all that professional. I have another interview on Monday at a different vet hospital, so let’s hope that goes a little better. I don’t expect much, but I expect to be informed when I was told I would be.
On top of that, I have started applying to jobs outside my normal range. I have been sticking to EST areas, but as of yesterday, I have expanded my search. I applied to a job in Alabama, and a job in Oklahoma. I don’t really want to move that far, but I feel like I may have to go a little farther to get what I want. I haven’t heard back from anything anyway. One person that I had called to check on the status of my resume said she wasn’t interested in my resume or anything because I didn’t have paid experience. You know what? You’re right.. I don’t. How am I supposed to get paid experience if no one will give it to me? I told her that I would work harder than anyone with paid experience because I want to prove myself. Apparently that doesn’t matter. What’s on paper is what matters. I thought having a B.A. in Psychology would really help me, but so far it has done nothing. I don’t mind starting off in a vet hospital, but I don’t want it to be a permanent thing.
Other than that, I quit my position at the local zoo. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was sitting outside in sweltering heat babysitting 14 year olds. I know I shouldn’t be picky, but honestly.. I wasn’t getting paid. If I was, I would have stayed. I can’t be there. The zoo is a disaster, as is the way it is run. I feel like my abilities and knowledge was not being used in the right way. Even babysitters get paid.
Right now I am sitting in a room at my dad’s cottage on Cayuga Lake. It’s really pretty here, but they have NO A/C. I didn’t know that, and if I did I probably wouldn’t have made the trip. My sister was here for the weekend, so Erik and I drove up this afternoon. I don’t know why, but I always expect it to be better than it actually is. We are spending the night and Erik and I were put in the 2nd guestroom with two twin beds. My sister got the queen bed in the 1st guestroom. I can’t say I really care, but my dad is dead set against Erik and I sleeping in the same bed together. For fucks sake.. we live together and have been sleeping in the same bed for over a year. I guess he’s just old fashioned, but if we ever get married, we are sleeping in the same bed. Doesn’t look like that’s going to happen anytime soon anyway, so I guess I don’t have to worry.
I’m jealous of people who have their shit together. A job, a husband, and all that crap. I want that, but it doesn’t look like my life is going to settle down anytime soon. On the bright side, we do have some trips planned soon. Renaissance Festival next weekend, Keuka Lake the next, Erik’s softball tournie, and then a Yankee game with Suite Seats. That should be fun, and I hope it takes my mind off of things.
July 12, 2010 at 6:29 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
I am having an extreme lack of motivation these days. I have been pretty busy, but on my off days.. I’m a blob of nothingness. I sleep a lot, watch a good amount of tv, and spend my days on the computer. I know I should be cleaning out the house, repainting everything, and getting ready to move, but I’m not. I don’t want to. I hate doing this crap, it’s annoying. I want to move, I do, but I don’t want to go through everything that entails that. I have been cleaning out 30 years of crap in this house for months. I put two boxes of useless knickknacks outside today in hopes that people would drive by and take them. A lot of this stuff was mine when I was younger, or was my moms. I am keeping anything I want, but my mom’s style does not agree with my own. I will be putting out stuff everyday. I have to get Erik to help me move some furniture outside since I can’t do that on my own.
I had two jobs interviews last week, but I haven’t heard from either of them. I’m a little disappointed because I thought I would hear from at least one, but nothing so far. It’s been incredibly hot, and I hate it. Playing softball in the heat is not a good idea. I was incredibly sick afterward. I’m interning at the zoo, and it’s going pretty well. We will see what happens with that.
Right now I am job hunting and slowly cleaning out the house. We will see how long this takes me. Honestly there isn’t TOO far to go, but I just don’t want to do it. It’s mainly getting rid of stuff that I don’t want, but it’s tedious and I hate it. I will get it done. I will sometimes get spurts of determination, and that is when I do stuff around the house. I am thinking about trying to get into an exercise regime to see if that will give me more energy. There are a couple things I want to do, I will just have to see if I have the motivation to do it.
July 7, 2010 at 8:57 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Hey All, Sorry I haven’t updated in a while. I have been super busy! I promise to update soon. I have a game tonight in the sweltering heat. I am not excited, but.. I’m still playing.
June 29, 2010 at 11:07 am · Filed under Uncategorized
Please don’t get me wrong. In no shape, way, or form, do I hate my life. It’s not always fun, and it’s not always easy, but if it was.. it wouldn’t be worth living. The difficult things in life make you who you are. It’s how you deal with problems, and grow from them. There are plenty of things in my life that I would love to change, but I honestly can not complain. My life has not been terrible in any way. I never went hungry or thirsty. I was never homeless. I have never even really been in serious debt. My parents went through a hard divorce that put the kids in the middle of it, but they both still loved us more than anything. I was given almost everything I ever wanted. My education was paid for, I was supported. This has continued until this day.
On the other hand, things are not always easy. I tragically lost my grandmother in 2007. She fell and never woke up. It was the morning I was flying home from California for my Christmas break. My mom called me at 2 am PST to tell me she had fallen and it wasn’t looking good. After getting off the plane in NYC, I was informed she didn’t make it. I sat alone in the JFK airport for 5 hours crying. My biggest regret was that I never got to say goodbye. It was not a fun way to spend a Christmas vacation. My mom lost her battle with cancer almost 2 years to the day later. She was buried on the 2 year anniversary of my gram’s death. Those two things have changed my life greatly. I am left with almost no family.
Everyone has had their tragedies, and mine are not any worse than those of anyone else. I’d like a job, I’d like to move, I’d like to get married, I’d like to lose weight, I’d especially love my mom back, but I don’t need these things. They aren’t as important as having food and water, having shelter. I miss my mom like crazy, but she is no longer in pain. I have a great boyfriend, great siblings, and amazing pets. Anything more than that is a plus. A job would probably be the biggest plus for me right now. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
June 26, 2010 at 2:54 am · Filed under Uncategorized
I don’t know what I want anymore. In the last year so many things have changed. I started dating Erik, my mom passed away, and my heart is in a different place. For years I have wanted to train animals. I wanted so badly to train marine animals, but now I’m not so picky. After two years of Moorpark, an internship, and a Bachelor’s Degree.. I have nothing to show from it. Don’t get me wrong, I WANT a training job. I want it so badly that it hurts. I have applied to numerous positions and have heard NOTHING. I am up for a part time veterinarian technician job, but it’s not training. I want to do something. I want all my hard work to pay off, but I haven’t had any luck so far. All I can think is that there is a plan for me. I will find something, but when? When I’m 30? There is nothing I want more.
On the other hand, I want to be with Erik. He can’t leave Binghamton for a while (a year or so) and if I got a job, I would have to go alone. This isn’t a huge deal for me, it’s just that I don’t want to be without him. I’ve realized that while my career aspirations are very important to me, I have new goals and dreams. I want to be married and have kids. I want to have a house, a job, and a family. A family was never in the plan until Erik. I never wanted to get married or have kids until I starting dating him again.
I’m being torn in two different directions. I know it will all work out in the end, I just hope I find an answer soon. Not knowing is driving me insane. Ideally I would find a job I like, Erik would move to me, and we would live happily ever after. I know that’s not realistic, but I can dream. I can only hope there is a plan for me. I know my mom has something cooking!
June 23, 2010 at 3:57 am · Filed under Uncategorized
This time it’s not my fault that I didn’t update. Erik’s computer has been broken for over a month and I have been bugging him to send it out. All he needed to do was call FedEx, or drop it off at a FedEx center and it would have been finished. Instead, it sat on our chair in our living room for over a month while my computer slowly died. The shipment was paid for already. His excuse was that “he had to work” but I call bullshit. Anyway, my computer finally did die last week so we took BOTH computers to FedEx and had them sent out. I was using my Ipod Touch as my main source of internet, but it is nothing like a computer. I knew my brother had a computer that he got for my mom before she died, and even though I felt a little weird about asking him, I did. I can’t function on an Ipod Touch. I need to apply for jobs, keep in touch with people, and other things. It doesn’t help that I am unemployed and sit around all day with only an Ipod to browse the internet.
Anyway, I’m not happy, but I have a computer to use in the mean time. I don’t like that it was meant for my mom (and even has everything customized to her, including a Hideki Matsui wallpaper), but I need something. I had two interviews last week. One for an internship, and one for a job. I got them both and decided on taking the internship as it is local. The job was incredibly out of the way (about 45 minutes) and was cleaning cat cages for 8 hours. I couldn’t do it. It said it was a job at an animal sanctuary, but it was really a cat shelter. When I think sanctuary I think exotic animals, but it was anything but. I just got a phone call yesterday about a vet tech job open in PA. It’s a little bit of a drive, but I would able to be a vet tech. I can’t do that in NY because all veterinarians require licenses to be a vet teach, but it’s different in PA. I would really like this job, so I hope I get it. I was supposed to have softball practice tomorrow night. I’m bummed I have to miss it (especially since I’m the coach/manager), but I can’t turn down this opportunity.
I talked to my dad about moving from this house today. I can’t stand it. I grew up in this house, but I’m done with it now. I want to keep the good memories, not these bad ones. Living here makes me physically ill. We fixed it up a little, but going from a disaster to a semi-disaster is not a good upgrade. My dad and I have talked about trying to find a two family house. I would be able to rent out the other side to help pay the mortgage, and rent out my side when I get a job. If I ever need to come home to Binghamton, I will have a place I can come home to. It makes sense. Erik and I don’t use most of this house. We only use two rooms, plus the kitchen and bathroom. That leaves 5 rooms, plus the enormous basement unused. This house is in a great neighborhood, near schools and parks. It’s a great little house, but I want out. I want something new, something fresh. I want to remember the good times I had in the house, and not my mom suffering. I want something of my own and keep my memories of this place from my childhood.
That’s really it for now. I’m doing ok. I’m bored, anxious, and sad, but I’m managing. If I get the job and I am able to move, my life will improve. It’s not bad, but I miss my mom. I am lucky to have what I have, don’t get me wrong.
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